miscarriage

i have written this in a condensed version, without details, but decided that i want to be able to remember how i am feeling right now. i have also come to the realization that im not very good with words. this is something that i dont think i will be able to adequately express my feelings, but here goes.

we were excited to add number four to our chaotic bunch. when november came along, i already knew. i took the pregnancy test, just to confirm. sure enough, there was a plus sign. i was so happy. so happy, i couldnt even wait to tell chris in some creative way, like i told myself i would. 

i felt like crap, like i always do, but felt very relaxed with this pregnancy (tender mercy #1). usually i am automatically filled with a nervousness that is not easily calmed while pregnant. i have nightmares almost every night  and worry nonstop about having a healthy baby. in fact, my prayers always consist of having a healthy, happy baby. but this time around was so different. so calm. i attributed that to being a "seasoned" pregnant lady since this was number 4. we were tickled with anticipation waiting to tell the kids. we waited until christmas eve, i was 11 weeks. they were ecstatic (tender mercy #2) and immediately told everyone, "WE'RE having a baby!!!". 

christmas and new years were wonderful! we had the best holidays and loved every moment (tender mercy #3). the kids asked questions about when and how the baby would come, would guess if it was a boy or a girl. every time they asked me, i had no impressions (tender mercy #4). i waited to make my first dr's appointment until after the new year. i didnt want to squeeze another thing in during the busy holidays and take away from that family time. i noticed right around christmas that i was starting to feel better and had more energy, which was a few weeks earlier than usual, but i didn't think much of it except that it felt great (tender mercy #5).

then last sunday the bleeding started. i knew. right away, i knew what was happening. grandma came over (tender mercy #6) and sat with our sleeping kids while we went to the ER, where an ultrasound confirmed there was no heartbeat. i was 13 weeks. and i was devastated. hearing empty static while trying to find a heartbeat is a hard, hard thing to go through. we found out the baby stopped growing at 10 1/2 weeks.

i never thought that we would experience a miscarriage. i guess that was mostly because we have had three successful pregnancies (tender mercy #7). the hardest part of the drive home from the ER was thinking of how jack and ellie would handle the news, but besides that, we felt so calm (tender mercy #8). we knew it was ok. i was able to fall right to sleep and was determined to put on a happy face for the kids before school on monday morning.

it was quite peculiar how sweet the kids were on their first day back to school after christmas break (tender mercy #9). all i felt that morning was so much love for those three kids and for chris (tender mercy #10). and it was a rainy morning. i love rainy days (#11). once the kids were at school, word spread through our families and friends and it was as if heaven's windows opened and love just came pouring down. 

my dad and chris gave me a priesthood blessing of healing and comfort (#12).

flowers, cards, chocolates, hugs, meals and PRAYERS PRAYERS PRAYERS have been and continue to be given on our behalf (#13).

we told the kids on monday afternoon.

well, i should say chris told the kids because he is much better with that then i am. knowing that both kids have tried to plant seeds before that didnt grow, he likened this baby to a seed. some seeds are planted and grow into beautiful trees, or beautiful people. and sometimes seeds are planted, and for one reason or another, they stop growing, just like our baby.

when the reality of it all sunk in, a few tears were shed, but the kids said they are so excited for Heavenly Father to send us a new baby when He is ready (#14).

we then went and picked out a beautiful little grapefruit tree and planted it in the backyard.

and it is already growing (#15).

i have been able to talk with friends that have experienced miscarriage and have learned so much from them (#16).

chris and i went to the hospital yesterday and had a successful D&C (#17), 

while mom watched the kids (#18),

and today i am feeling great (#19).

i have had an emotional roller coaster, but it has been filled with mostly ups that just go higher and higher. we know Heavenly Father is aware of our family. He has shown His love through so many tender mercies this past week. most of those tender mercies have been shown through other people and their support in one form or another. i think the biggest blessing has been the peace we have felt constantly (#20). we dont have overwhelming feelings of sadness or have questions of "why" or thoughts of "maybe i did something wrong". a new dynamic and bond has grown between chris and i that i wouldnt change for anything (#21). he has been so level-headed and able to look at things through spiritual eyes and it has helped me feel the same. having been brought to my knees more fervently than ever before, i feel closer to my Heavenly Father (#22). 

i am grateful for this experience.